Little Red Haired Boy

Henry Beach 2 NST

December 19, 2012

Dear Henry,

There are so many things I could say about you…your kindness, friendliness, and confidence.  Your adorable nose, or your freckles, or your eyes.  Or your hair, and how when it flips a certain way it takes my breath away, and I swear you could be an angel.  But what is in my heart tonight is how you are growing up, and how I seemed to turn around for just one second, and there you are, a strong, sweaty, somewhat smelly boy — not my chubby, soft little baby.

I remember when you were little — how I would lie down with you until you fell asleep.  I can still see your silhouette in the moonlight…that big round belly under fleece snowman jammies, soft red curls and button nose.  I miss those nights.  I miss being there with you as you drifted off.  I miss your little, round cherubic self.  But then, children must grow up.

I guess that is the burden I bear…I cling desperately to those memories of little you.  And you, in typical childhood fashion, race as fast as you can to leave them behind.  In my mind I scramble to remember things, to remember what your hair felt like, or how you smelled, or how it felt when you snuggled into my neck, or what your tiny voice sounded like.  And when I reach that memory, my heart hurts.  The beating of my heart hurts.  For you have outgrown the memory, but I haven’t.  And I suppose it is natural that someday you will outgrow me…but I will never outgrow you.

So many memories of you, Henry.  So many beautiful memories.

So many more to come.

Happy birthday baby boy,

-Mama

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Little Red Haired Boy

Dreams of a Girl

Kate in Tree NST

My beautiful girl,

One Autumn twelve years ago, I remember rocking you to sleep.  In the background played Silent Night and as we rocked, bundled under a knit woolen blanket, I watched the twinkling and flashing of Christmas lights outside.  I was so in love with you, Kate.

What I would give for one more night like that.  To hold you in my arms, soak in your warmth and wonder about you…about how wonderful and smart and sweet and pretty and gentle you might be someday.

And yet my dreams of what you would be were never quite as beautiful as you are.  I never could imagine what it would feel like to walk beside you, your small hand in mine as we picked flowers together, or gathered shells on the beach.  What it would feel like when you looked up at me, to show me what little treasure you had found.  Never in a million years could I imagine the way my soul would feel when you race by me on your horse, the sun on your face and your flaxen hair flowing behind you.

I never knew what it would feel like to watch you make music, your thin fingers draped across the strings and your brow slightly furrowed as your eyes focus on the notes.  I never knew how the joy in my heart would pour out in tears as I watched you sing the most beautiful song I’ve ever heard.

When you smile, your face glows.  When you laugh, your eyes twinkle.  And my heart sings.

At night when we are curled up under blankets reading books together, I feel the most content; maybe because that’s the way it used to be, back then twelve years ago.  We are warm together, while outside a cold wind blows.

You are my dream come true.

Now, you have dreams of your own.  I think your dreams are just as beautiful as you are.

With all my heart and soul, I love you Kathryn Sunshine.

Dreams of a Girl