I woke up early today.
I didn’t buy the kids new school clothes, and that was a problem to me at 5:00am this morning. It was a calculated decision, based on the loads and loads of clothes that ALL of them have, that we DO. NOT. NEED. another Nike shirt, or dress or sparkle-T. But this morning, I wondered if that was the wrong decision. I wondered if I should have bought something–anything–new for them for the first day of school. And so I couldn’t sleep. I got up and put on a pot of coffee and figured I could facebook my anxiety away, but honestly that never works. There, in the pretty world of facebook, you get to see the highlights of everyone’s lives. No one talks about anything good on there, like a dog barfing up deer poop, or kids that forget to flush the toilet, or potty mouths, or dust/laundry/dirty dishes piling up. And I am left feeling so inadequate.
I have spent the bulk of this summer trying to salvage it. Between trying to work from home, and nursing broken bones and weird weather, it hasn’t been all that fun. And this is the last Friday of summer. How do I make that fun? How do I make that memorable? Do I have to make it memorable like all the other moms seem to?
And so I found myself frustrated. Frustrated at everything. At the house that is messy, at the dog that is barking, at the kids that want breakfast, and snack and lunch and snack and another snack and it seems like all they want to do is just eat all the live long day (kind of like me, actually. Which made me want to eat chocolate. I would have settled for chocolate in any form, yet there is not a speck of chocolate in this house because I ate it all last week). I am tired of competing with the tv for attention. I am tired of driving for 45 minutes to go to the office so my employer gets “face time.” I am frustrated that I’m squeezing an accounting job into my day. I am frustrated that there are always shoes on the floor, or sweatshirts on the couch, or socks or something. I am frustrated with it all.
I have been listening to parents get so excited about school starting. But, in the back of my mind, I am heartbroken.
I feel like this summer has been a complete bust. I feel like I have wasted the last chance I had to be with them. And while I usually feel somewhat regretful that summer is over, this year it seems worse…like I am losing something that I will never, ever get back.
Things are changing for me. Perhaps that is the problem. What I know, without a doubt, is that I will miss them this school year. I will miss their hugs all day long. I will miss the way William is becoming funnier with every day that passes, and hearing him yell at his Madden 13 team. I will miss hearing Kate play viola in her room. I will miss Henry and Ella and the little games they play (which always end up with Ella getting hurt — but not really hurt — and sobbing like she is dying because she is a drama queen). I will miss knowing where they are at every moment and what they are doing and what they are learning, watching, reading, drawing, writing, eating.
I will wonder if William is eating lunch with kids he doesn’t know, or if he is with a friend. I will wonder if Henry is going to get Ella after school like we practiced…if he is going to take good care of her like he promised. I will wonder if Kate is making the right kind of girlfriends.
And I will be taking on a different role. My life will change.
None of it seems right to me.
I wish I could take them and run.
I wish I could have a do-over on summer.