It has been more than two weeks now since the day that changed everything. We live the same way we did before. We do the same things, eat the same things, go the same places, live the same lives. Ironically, the day that changed everything has kind of changed nothing.
At least not yet, anyway.
At least not on the outside.
I don’t know when we will change anything.
I don’t know if we will change anything.
I am trying to trust that there is a bigger plan here. Trust is a tall order.
I wonder how hard this is going to get.
And why the Hell?
(I’m so sorry for swearing).
And at what point will it be that I begin to panic?
Will it even get to that point?
The other day he found me crying. His footsteps were too soft for me to hear…he walked in with his book by his side. He spoke in his quiet voice, the raspy one. The one that I love…the one that reminds me of his littler self. What’s wrong Mom? There is no way to explain what is wrong to a ten year old boy. I just had a hard day is what I told him. I hugged him for a minute and I smelled his sweatshirt and it smelled clean and his hair felt soft and for a brief moment I was lost in the way he felt in my arms, in the smell of him and in being his mom.
I was happy.
It occurs to me, looking back at that brief little moment of happiness with my boy, that I am missing something.
I am forgetting something. Or maybe not noticing something at all.
I remember distinctly beautiful moments in each of my children’s lives; moments that were not remarkable for any particular reason. Maybe it was just the way the sun shone on his face one late summer day, or the way her hair fell on her shoulders. Maybe it was just the sound of his voice or the way her breath swept across my neck as I rocked her to sleep. They were moments that I believe God chose for me to notice because they were ordinary.
I think I have forgotten how to see the brilliance of ordinary moments. I think I have forgotten how to notice little things that I used to.
The silver lining in all of this is that I have more time on my hands these days.
I am less harried.
I am trying.
And I am noticing.