Pork Chop

I was lying down with Ella, in the warm dark of her room, basking in the glow of her very own Christmas tree. 

“Oh, Mommy, isn’t it beautiful?” she says.

And I think she may be more beautiful at that moment, in the soft glow of Christmas lights with her brown polka dotted sleeper, than I’ve ever seen her before. 

And then the door opens, and Henry walks in with a very sad (and very phony) look on his face.  And he explains to me that William has done him wrong.

“William said pork chop and it’s not true if I smile I’m lying because I didn’t lie.”


“Henry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“William said if he says pork chop and then I smile that I’m lying.”

I marvel at childhood and the ideas that are birthed therein.  Is this from some movie or Sponge Bob or something that I am just not privy to?  Pork chop is right up there with the cheese touch on the scale of things that kids do that are generally insane.

So Henry has the bottom-lip-out-phony-sad-face.  I decided to play along.  I say “Henry, would you like me to whip William?  I’ll find a good sturdy leather strap, and I’ll go in there and whip him because he said pork chop.  Would you like for me to do that?”  Now, my assumption was that he would realize the ridiculousness of my suggestion and say that it would not be necessary. 


“Okay” he said.  He did not even pretend to think carefully about the flogging.   

Ella sat up, clapped her hands together in complete and utter excitement, eyes wide open and said


Now, to be clear, none of these children has ever had a whipping and I’m certain they have no idea what a leather strap across their behind would feel like.  Also, as a disclaimer, I had absolutely no intention of actually whipping anyone, I was merely using sarcasm in a feeble and clearly unconvincing attempt to teach Henry how trivial his claims were of the crimes against him). 

“No, you guys, I’m not going to whip William with a leather strap, for crying out loud.  Sheesh.”

Henry dropped his head in defeat and returned to his room. 

Poor ol’ Henry.  He is generally the target of William’s torture.  I guess that’s how it is with brothers.  William learns something, tries it out on Henry, and then Henry turns around and teaches it to his innocent little friends.  Or Ella. 

How much you want to bet he says pork chop to Ella tomorrow?

Pork Chop

8 thoughts on “Pork Chop

  1. I’m laughing too hard to explain this to Cliff. Now he thinks I’m crazy. Maybe I’ll just tell him Pork Chop. Or not. He’ll think I’m making a late dinner.

  2. Well, all I can say is thank goodness the urchins don’t read your blog! It would be “pork chop, pork chop!” all the time around here.

    We went through a summer once when all the tall boy had to do was say the word “llama” and the sunny girl would burst into tears. Funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

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