We finally had Henry’s annual audiological exam the other day. It recorded a mild (5 dB) loss.
I don’t know how to feel about that.
I feel angry.
I feel sad.
I feel as though he is being wronged. Again.
I wonder if someday he will be completely deaf.
I also feel a little bit like I’m not certain about the results. Because he may or may not have been slightly unfocused. Slightly silly.
And then Henry hands me his IEP draft.
I read it.
above grade level
meets and exceeds
no delays recorded
I am proud of him, and I am pleased. I am thankful.
But I wonder how long I will read IEPs like this one, with all the good stuff…the no-delays and the meets-and-exceeds.
Anger, and resentment, and sadness–they are still there I guess, just a little, but I rarely hear from them. The wondering why, the wondering what if things were different, the wondering what will come…still there…just a bit.
I got mad at him that night. It was bedtime and he was talking and complaining that I said goodnight to William first and stalling because his toes were dry and itchy and I was tired of talking and explaining and mad and he couldn’t hear me and I yelled.
And then I went back into his room, and hugged him, and told him I was sorry. And that I love him. And he just threw an arm around my neck the way he does, and forgave.
He will never understand how I love him. And he will never understand how proud I am to be his mom.
He will never understand how wonderful I think he is.
This is what I feel, almost always.
(Except for this morning when he was fighting with his brother. But that is normal, right?)