This is it?

There is a line in a song called Fifteen that says something like

“this is life before you know who you’re gonna be…” 

I heard this song today and I realized, heavily, that I am probably already “who I’m gonna be.”  I wondered if there was more. 

I wondered if there is more for me.  Am I going to do something considerable someday?  Something significant?  Or will I remain in this small corner of the world…in this small house…unknown as I am.   Is this it? 

And then I reflected upon my life as it is… 

Yesterday, I bought groceries. 

I did homework with a 5 year old boy. 

I diapered and clothed a two year old little girl.  Several times.

I fed children.  Many times. 

I cleaned up after children.  Many times.

I paid out allowances.

I worked on accounting.

I dusted.

I cleaned the shutters in the kids’ rooms.  (That was gross, and sorely overdue.)

I helped organize my daughter’s room.  (Also sorely overdue).

I trimmed the plants in the yard.

I helped my son and daughter with their homework after school. 

I filled and ran the dishwasher.

I cooked a warm, nourishing meal for their supper.

I read them books and tucked them in bed.

And then, exhausted, I too drifted off.

This is it for me? 

This is it.  I am their mom.

It is dirty at times, and it is mundane at times and it is thankless at times.  And it is nothing that millions of other women haven’t already done before me with their own children. 

The rewards are intangible, and they are known only to me.  I am paid with the feeling of a small hand clinging tightly to mine.  I am paid with red ringlets and wispy blonde locks. 

I am paid with the perfume of little boys that have been playing football outside….I am paid with their ruddy cheeks and their skinned knees and their freckles.  

I am paid with the drawings of a little girl.  Depictions, always, of her and me, together.  

I am paid with their laughter and with the breathtaking view of them as they sleep.  I am paid with the warmth of a child in my arms, his breath on my neck, the sound of his voice in my ears. 

I am paid with the smallest child, asking simply “Play…me?” 

Here in this little house, I am sculpting human beings

I am molding little hearts

I am forming little minds

I am responsible for the very lives of four small people

Is there truly anything bigger than this?

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This is it?

14 thoughts on “This is it?

  1. I know exactly how you feel! Sometimes I stop and ask, “This laundry, Lord? This is why you put me on this earth — to make sure these socks are clean?”

    So far, apparently the answer is, “Yes. That laundry right there.”

  2. Sometimes I wonder where my life would be if a different decision was made back in the day but as I look around at the life I have today…this is where I’m meant to be. The responsibility of who my 3 kids turn out to be is daunting. I hope & pray they’re ready to fly when it’s time.

  3. Oy. The sweeping and wiping and brushing and folding and tucking. It can be overwhelming. Truly and wholly overwhelming.

    But then–often when you watch them breath those deep sleep breaths–you know. You just know that there really isn’t anything bigger. Nothing more important. Nowhere else you’d rather be.

  4. Toni :O) says:

    Great post, I don’t think there is anything better. I feel so blessed to be a mom, given what problems friends of mine have had trying to get pregnant. Oftentimes, I feel SO guilty that I work so much and do so much around the house that I don’t play enough with my kids…it’s so hard to try and do it all….all I can do is my best and hope my kids remember the times we did play together and not the times I had to ignore them in order to get stuff done that needed to be done. It’s hard…definitely the hardest job on earth for sure!

  5. I come t you from Angie at A Spring of Joy.

    When you think about the big job it is to sculpt human beings…how can it be that we would think anything was any more important??

  6. Once again, my new friend, you posted just what I needed, right here for me to find. As overwhelming as this has felt for me the past week, I too am sculpting human beings. And since this is where I am, I really do believe it’s where I’m supposed to be. Thank you for the reminder.

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