I Wonder If He Knows.

A little shy of 13 years ago I married my best friend, my high school sweetheart, The Man.  And that is a very, very good thing.

I stood at the altar with my small, trembling hands in his.  And eight years of hoping for this day with this man collapsed upon me and I broke down.  I sobbed through my vows.  Have you ever been so happy you could hardly stand it?  So happy that the enormity of the emotion swept you away?  It was beautiful.  At least I hope it was.  Because I pretty much don’t remember anything except that I cried.  And I think it was one of those ugly cries…where your face is all awful looking.  If the photographer captured that moment, he mercifully chose not to reveal it to me.

But in the midst of all that beautiful ugliness, there was another man.  While I stood up there with The Man, he walked into the church unnoticed.  While I cried the ugly cry, he stole the purses and wallets of all my bridesmaids.  And mine.

So for the next hour or two, I spent time filling out paperwork.  Police reports.  On my wedding day.  I particularly enjoy this photograph:

Me & the Cop Wedding Day B&W NST

Doesn’t my bosom look fluffyish?  Okay, it’s not that fluffy.  But it’s fluffier here in this photo than it is now, 4 children later.  You’re welcome for that information, I’m sure you were wondering. 

So anyway, not only did he steal my wallet, but he proceeded to drain my bank account while I was on my honeymoon.  All that money.  I had spent a year saving every penny I could for my wedding, money that I would use to pay the florist, and the baker and the bridal salon…  He.Just.Took.It.All.

During the investigation, the police were able to get a photo of the suspect from one of the ATM’s he used.  That fuzzy black and white picture is burned in my memory.  I remember that he wore sunglasses and a hat when he stole my money.  And that his dirty shirt was too small.    

Normally, I don’t feel terribly bitter anymore.  It’s sort of water under the bridge.  But this morning, I broke down.  I cried in the shower.  It’s the only place I can cry anymore…the only place I am ever alone.  And so I cried and I cried.  And I hated that man.  And I felt sorry for him.  And I wondered. 

I wondered if that man thinks about me.  I wondered if he knows that he ruined a day that I had planned in my little girl head for 20 years.  I wondered if he knows that I spent most of my reception filling out police reports.  That I didn’t get to talk to my guests, who had come from hundreds of miles away to see me married.  Does he know that while I should have been walking among the clouds, my feet were leaden? 

Does he know that I spent my wedding day at the DMV, getting a new license so I could get on a plane for my honeymoon?  (The upside to that is my hair and makeup looked fabulous for my license photo.  I.Looked.GOOD.  I really, really hated to give up that photo when it was time to renew my license.)

I wonder if he knows that thirteen years later, I have not forgotten.  And that I can still become overcome with anger and sadness and resentment.  And I can still cry over it.

I wonder if he’s sorry.  I wonder if he cares.  I wonder if he has a daughter who dreams about her wedding day.

I wonder if he knows how he crumpled up my dreams.

And yet, in the midst of all the sad, and in spite of the way my marriage began, I see that my life has turned out a little like a fairy tale. 

And I’d like to tell him to stick that in his pipe and smoke it.

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I Wonder If He Knows.

13 thoughts on “I Wonder If He Knows.

  1. Wow – I’m blown away by your post. The joke’s on that guy because your happy marriage definitely trumps the heartache he put you through on your wedding day. Thanks for sharing – I have a feeling I’ll be thinking of this post often today!

  2. La says:

    What a story! I’ve always been sad that we didn’t get long at our reception because by the time all the stinking photos were done, the limo was there waiting for us. Your story beats my little whine fest for sure! What a bummer thing to happen. =(

    At least you got The Man!

  3. I’m really sorry that happened to you on your very special day. What a rotten thing to do to someone. The sad thing is he probably doesn’t even think about it…he’s most likely still a criminal. If he has kids at all they’re probably following in his trashy footsteps.

    But YOU have made a terrific life with that man you adore, and had four beautiful children since then! By the way, when IS you anniversary? Just wondering because ours is on the 14th.

  4. Wow, I am speechless and so so sorry you had to have this happen on what should be one of the best days of your life – my heart hurts for you. And at the same time it smiles, because I’ve seen first hand how fabulous your life has become; every fairy tale princess has her share of evil witches to deal with I guess…

  5. Wow – I did not know. I always look at the pictures first before reading and right away, I was thinking “wow that doesn’t look like the Man”. Now I know better. What a horrible thing to happen on your wedding day. That man may have ruined the wedding day but look at the beautiful life you’ve created.

    PS: You do look quite bosomy 🙂 Vavavavoom!

  6. Toni :O) says:

    Hey gal…I think it’s awful someone did that to you, I’m sorry. I will say I had an old coworker and the exact same thing happened to her on her wedding day. Except I think you had it worse since knucklehead drained your account while you were away on your honeymoon. People can be so cruel and all I can say is hopefully karma comes around to bite that a*%h&%$ in the rear end and bite it HARD! Thank goodness for brighter memories you’ve created with your Man…may that uphold you far more than the dark memories of what happened on your most beautiful day.

  7. WOW. NO way. That’s just SOOOO wrong. EW.

    The picture is seriously telling. 🙂 You were NOT happy. And fluffy-boobed.

    But you still got your man, the one that made you ugly cry with all the happiness. That’s good stuff.

  8. oh my.
    this photo is stunning. i love it. you are gorgeous, and that poor policeman, he looks mad on your behalf, too. your humor is stunning, too… i hope that humor tempers the anger and frustration, and i hope that you can tuck that ugliness of what he did behind the good things that happened that day and those following. like good DMV photos, and living w the love of your life. 🙂
    great post.

  9. Marcy says:

    Kristen-

    Wow…I never knew this happened to you. I am so sorry. Hopefully writing this and getting your story out there brings some more closure. I can’t even imagine.

    ps…When I first saw the photo ,I couldn’t figure out why The Man looked different..and was wearing a GUN.

  10. I cried reading this. How beautiful you were on your wedding day! I remember a previous post of yours with another wedding photo — it took my breath away. It makes me sad that sorrowful moment stole some of your joy.

    My grandmother still speaks of a time when her family’s house burned to the ground just before her wedding – and everything burned. Every outfit she had sewn for her big day, and her new life ahead. I can still see the devastation in her eyes when she tells that story – to be left without the proper attire and clothes with no money to replace them – I imagine she had even sewn and embroidered aprons to look smart in the kitchen for my grandfather. How that was important to her – how hard she worked – so much sewing, preparation and expectation. Just as you worked preparing for your day. The sorrows cannot take root in all the blessings of your lives, no? xo

  11. Kristen,
    Been thinking about you a lot this week since I first read this post, I’m so sad for you. This absolutely sucks, there’s no other word for it. The bitterness and anger would consume me, you are such a good person to see past all that and focus on the wonderful life you have.
    Miss you!

  12. How sad that your day was marred by some rotten soul. But it goes to show that out of tragedy and heartache, heaven drops down some goodness to comfort you. And your case, heaven dropped down not just some but a lifetime!

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