The Thesaurus Is Not Terribly Useful.

So yesterday was s.t.i.n.k.o. pretty much.  I think it started off with the coffee. 

We’re out of cream, so I had to drink it black.  Which I can do, but I don’t prefer it.  In fact, I don’t really like it at all unless it’s paired with a bowl of ice cream.  Or chocolate.  But I’ll drink it just to avoid the certain headache that I will get if I don’t drink it.  (And yes, I know I’m an addict.  Leave it.)  Now that Ella drinks skim milk along with the rest of us, I can’t even use whole milk as a back-up to cream.  And I ate all the ice cream, so there’s none of that, either.  (Once I used cool whip as a substitute for cream…not good, just fyi.  I do not believe there is anything dairy about cool whip.  ((Which would explain the “nondairy topping” label I guess.))  Anyway, the cool whip melted into an oily looking substance which floated atop my coffee.  So instead of black coffee, I had black coffee with oil.  Which imho is decidedly worse than just plain ol’ black coffee.  So I won’t be doing that again.) 

After the bad coffee, we did a science experiment where I was an idiot and took a piping hot glass out of the dishwasher and put ice into it and actually said (yes I did) “I hope it doesn’t crack.”  And then it cracked.  So I said “wow kids, look at that, bla bla bla.”  I taught them all about how to crack a glass.  Enriching their lives, that’s what I do.

And then one of the children, who shall remain nameless, was a complete pill for pretty much the entire afternoon.  The source of frustration?  A duplo lego window.  After several hours of fretting over this duplo (I do not even want to elaborate on the ridiculous nature of the problem) we tried to sit and do some enrichment activities.  I told you, I am all about the enriching.   

Anyway, for one of the activities, we were working with colors.  Two colors to be specific, garnet and fuchsia.  Which incidentally, fuchsia was misspelled as fuchisa.  (I find it ironic that “enrichment activities” sent home from school for summertime fun would have misspellings in them.  But anyway…)  Fuchisa was humorous.  For the rest of the activity, I called it fuchisa (foocheezuh).  And Kate thought I was just terribly funny.  But the other, aforementioned child did not.  Moving right along…)

So the aforementioned child didn’t know what garnet and fuchisa were, and I wanted him to figure that out–I didn’t want to give him the answer.  So being the very clever person that I am, I decided to teach them how to look a word up in the thesaurus.  Oh yes, Roget’s thesaurus!  I love the thesaurus, seriously.  I use it nearly daily, to be honest.  (I’m actually not kidding).  So anyway, we couldn’t find garnet in the thesaurus, so I figured we would try fuchisa.  So I go to the index.  And I’m looking up fuchsia…and I get to the fu words and lo and behold what do we have but no fuchsia. 

Let me tell you what they DO have, in lieu of fuchsia.  They have “f*ck.”  They have “a f*ck.”  They have “f*cked up.”  They have “f*ck off.”  They have gathered together what seems to be every single variation and expression you could come up with that includes the f dash dash dash word for our reading pleasure.  (Really Roget?  Seriously?) 

I tried to strategically place my hand over the queen mother of all cuss words, but Kate was standing there with her nose about three inches from the page all engrossed in how you look up a word (she is so much like me) and I couldn’t cover them all and I quick closed the book and said “well this thesaurus is useless.”  And that was pretty much a big fat “F” in the Good Mom Department for me.

Then Ella woke up screaming which is always fun.  So I drank some wine.

The end.

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The Thesaurus Is Not Terribly Useful.

13 thoughts on “The Thesaurus Is Not Terribly Useful.

  1. Oh, my. In Roget’s thesaurus? Well, you learn something new every day.

    I’ve been known to take anything from skim milk to whipped cream in my desperation to get a cup of coffe. With a dash of vanilla extract to get a “French Vanilla” flavor. Then I found out vanilla extract is mostly alcohol. Tasted not-so-great but got the job done! My husband thinks I’m a nutcase because I keep a stash of coffee mate in the fridge, just in case we run out. He’s not a coffee drinker, so he doesn’t understand what an emergency that is!!!

    Thanks for your kind words with Nolan. One of these days, we’ll get him eating again. Kids! Who knew something like “eating” would be an issue?

  2. wow – you did have a day! Imagine what words you’d have found if you used an online thesaurus.

    And thank-you for reason number 1001 as to why I don’t drink coffee – it’s never there for ya when you need it ;).

  3. Oh. my. stars. I know you probably felt like crying, but I am laughing. That is something I would do, too… and yes, I’ve tried cool whip in coffee before, too. It’s amazing what desperation will drive us to.

    Hope today is much, much better.

    And F-word free! 🙂

  4. Oh my goodness Kristen, I am going to bookmark this entry for future rereadings. What a hilarious little story of your day!

    And I’m procrastinating the big packing job right now of getting 5 people ready for vacation… somehow I will no doubt end up with no underwear or toothbrush. I will get in touch when we get back in 2 weeks, we have absolutely GOT to get together this summer!!

  5. At least you know where to find the thesaurus in your house. I don’t know if I could.

    And unlike you and Jen, my child first heard the f- word from yours truly. Yea, not a very good mommy am I.

    Hope your Friday kicks off the weekend right!

  6. Hilarious. And oh, my dear — isn’t it all about the coffee in the morning?!

    Are you seriously teaching your kids the difference between fuchsia and garnet — on summer vacation?? You are an over-achiever! You know some adults 1) can’t spell ’em 2) don’t know that they are colors, 3) don’t care.

  7. SERIOUSLY? I can’t imagine there are too many synonyms for the F word and variations thereof. What on earth would that be doing in Roget’s!!!
    What a perfectly horrible day (though admittedly perfect for bloggy fodder). I’m just glad you weren’t out of wine….

    Hope it gets better from here!

  8. karen says:

    But was your wine garnet or fuchisa? Heh. Hee. Ho. Not funny. I had to chuckle over the coffee. That IS a bad start to any day! I must have milk, goat’s milk (don’t ask, don’t snicker) to be precise, or the day is ruined. And a dash of honey. So sad I know. I could have warned you about Cool Whip. Bleh.

    I look up words all the time too because I can’t spell any more. Auto spellcheck has destroyed critical brain cells! I recently found sh*t l*st on my way to another word, a good and wholesome word. It’s also spelled sh*tl*st. I conclude this enrichment lesson. 😉

    Hope things are better!

  9. bwhahahahahahaaha!

    This is my first visit and I felt like you were writing with direction from the voice in my head.

    And I only have one little.

    Oi.

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