Okay, maybe I AM dirty.

The ants, they are worse today. 

I am beginning to think that maybe we are a dirty people, indeed.  Because yesterday, I cleaned.  A lot.  And the filth?  It appeared out of thin air I kid you not.  Read on.

I tried the vinegar.  I sprayed vinegar all day long in fact.  The whole house smelled of vinegar.  I even poured boiling vinegar down the disposal, just in case they were in there.  (And let’s just say you shouldn’t get too close to the disposal when you’ve just poured boiling vinegar down it, lest you burn your nostrils with the steam of the boiling vinegar, just FYI.  Not that I would be stupid enough to do that.)

Alrighty.  Moving right along.

So, I sprinkled talcum powder all over the carpets where there have been no ants, but I was in the zone.  (Ants apparently do not like talcum powder.)  Then I vacuumed the entire house.  It was powder fresh.

Then, I scoured the floors.  I swiffered.  I cleaned the floors.  I sprayed vinegar and cleaned again.  I doused the quarter-round with vinegar. 

I scrubbed the cooktop.  I scrubbed the kitchen sink.  I cleaned the coffee maker and toaster and all of the counters.  Everything shined.

I even pulled the fridge out, to make sure there were no ants underneath it.  Just so you know, that is the second time in less than one year that I’ve cleaned behind my frigo.  Before y’all call me dirty, I ask you…when was the last time you cleaned behind your frigo?  Alrighty then. 

I saw more and more ants.  Clearly, they are not deterred by the vinegar and the cleaning.

The funny thing is, I would vacuum, right?  Then, I  would lay on the floor, eye level, and look for crumbs under the island.  No crumbs people.  Five minutes later, there were 10 or 15 ants, hovered around a crumb the size of a small pea.  Now you tell me where they got that crumb.  I could not have missed a crumb that large. 

So I decided to out-clever them.  And I made some peanut butter bait with borax, put it in a jar with a lid poked with holes (so that Ella didn’t decide to have herself a little snack), and baited the little creeps.  Instantly, they swarmed the jar.  Okay, “swarmed” might be a little intense, but there were five or six ants that mounted the jar. 

Then I lay prostrate on the floor and watched their slow march to death.  Yes I did.   

Except they didn’t take the bait.  They turned around and left.  So anti-climactic. 

The ants, they out-clevered me.

So I vacuumed them and the magical, out-of-thin-air crumbs up.

Then the kids came home.  And therein lies the problem. 

They came home.  They broke out the snacks.  And, despite my pleas for cleanliness and neatness, they scatter crumbs everywhere.  There are ants everywhere.  And the children?  They didn’t clean up after themselves. 

Then I threw a bag of cheese.  (It was a moment of weakness.  I had a little  meltdown over the crumbs, the ants, and the boy whining about his spelling homework.  Oh, and The Man who informs me at 4:15 that he cannot go to the boy’s baseball game on time because he’s in a meeting.  Which gives me fifteen minutes to help the boy with his homework, get him dressed for baseball, pack a snack for Ella, get 5 pairs of shoes on, have everyone go to the potty, fill the water bottle, find the baseball glove, bat and umbrellas because it looks like rain).  Mm-hmm, so you can understand the cheese throwing. 

I probably shouldn’t admit to throwing cheese bags around. 

But I’ve already admitted that I have bugs. 

So now, I have the Terro.  Three days.  Three days is the claim they make, people. 

But my ants? 

They are clever. 

And I’m running out of the clever.  And also, the sanity…definitely running out of that.

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Okay, maybe I AM dirty.

10 thoughts on “Okay, maybe I AM dirty.

  1. LOL! Poor thing. Like I said, around here, they’re totally seasonal and it doesn’t matter what you do they show up, terrorize you (I don’t like things in mass quantities) and leave. In one of my crazier moments, I read that they didn’t like dish soap, so I actually ran around the kitchen squirting dish soap every place I thought they were coming from. Now I just vacuum them up until they leave.

  2. Oh my, these are clever ants! They probably have you on a big screen back at their ant house, having a raucous good time watching you go insane. This calls for all out War! I have no idea how to help you … but carry on, soldier.

    This post is hilarious! I wonder what tipped them off about the death march? They saw your evil grin I bet …

  3. I think this calls for a happy hour and margaritas. You know so we can brain storm on how to outfox these smartie pant ants. Have you sprayed outside the house yet? I know you’re trying to be all organic with the vinegar and what not but give Raid another chance. Maybe I need some ants here to motivate me to clean 🙂 Just kidding!

  4. Erika says:

    Terro worked in just a few hours for us! It was a beautiful thing. They haven’t come back. Yet. After they disappeared, I layed cinnamon sticks all around the house. They don’t like cinnamon, I guess. Good luck!

  5. I’m so disappointed in you! This could have easily been a “My BFF Soliloquy is soooooo smart” post and you totally missed the opportunity!

    Good thing my mercies are new every morning.

    Go get the Terro. Put it out and try this post again on Monday morning.

    Walgreens.

    You’re welcome.

  6. You are so funny. Former pitcher Dennis Eckersley has lots of funny “Eckisms” when he broadcasts Red Sox games and he likes to say that a pitcher with some really fast, unhittable stuff can “throw the cheese.” So see there? You’ve got some serious cheese and can sling it with the best of them. Next time throw it at the ants.

  7. La says:

    I’m so glad you commented on my blog! I’m having to use my man’s laptop for awhile and all of my bookmarks are no more. I forgot you were wordpress and couldn’t find you. I missed reading your posts!

    I’m sad the weird frog is gone.

    I love the pictures of Ella and hope she had a great birthday! Two is my favorite!

    I miss my dog too. =(

    We battled freaky carpenter ants. They are smart. And big. And sometimes they fly. But they never inspired me to clean as you did. I just called the pest guy and kept making him come back until they were gone! =) I hope you figure out how to get rid of your little friends quick……

  8. Toni :O) says:

    OMG….I hope you definitely outsmart them soon! Yikes! Hmmm…aren’t your kids done with school yet? My little man finally finished up last Friday…can I just say how thrilled I am that we actually survived 4th grade…I think I need a major drink for surviving that insane grade of school! Good luck with those blasted ants!

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