What I Would Tell Her

I heard from a friend today that she is (unexpectedly and unhappily) pregnant with her fourth child. 

And I remember a time, not so long ago, when I found myself in the same position. 

I worried about money, I worried about time.  I worried about being exhausted all the time.  I worried that I didn’t have enough sanity left within me to handle one more.   I worried about my older children.  I worried that I would miscarry.  Again.

And this baby just wasn’t on my schedule people.   

It didn’t take long for me to put the very real concerns and cares aside though, and begin to appreciate the fact that we were, indeed, going to be a family of six.  For the first time in all my pregnancies, I fell deeply in love with that baby, well before she was born.

And oh, those first few days of having Ella…the smell of her…

The tiny fingers that unfurled at my touch…

The baby breath…

The absolute helplessness and the way she needed me and only me.

And as she grew, there were fat little legs

and cheeks

and feet

and hands with those dimples.

There was the first time she said Mama…

and even still, hearing her say it melts me into a puddle of mushy love for that little girl.

And there are those red gossamer curls

and those big blue eyes.

And a baby girl who is becoming a little girl

who won’t wear a bib

or a bow.

But one who likes bonnets

and clickety-clackety shoes.

A little girl who will not let me hold her hand up the stairs

or down the stairs

or in the parking lot

or in the street.

A little girl that sucks on bags of frozen peas (I have no idea…).

And calls herself “baby.”

And a child that has perfected the “camera smile.”

She has spunk, this one does.

She has me wrapped around her little finger.

I can’t imagine my life without her.

Words fall so painfully short of expressing my love for her… 

peekaboo-nst

I want to tell my friend that everything will be fine.  In fact, it will be more than fine. 

I want to tell her how much she will love her new baby.

But I know that she will find out for herself soon enough.

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What I Would Tell Her

14 thoughts on “What I Would Tell Her

  1. you can just smell peaches and roses and fresh cut green grass coming through that photo. she is sunshine, that Ella. all of your children are. have a great weekend!

  2. Toni :O) says:

    Wow…beautiful post as always….I’m with the others….I am often amazed at how busy I am with two that it’s difficult for me to imagine having more than that and I feel so grateful for the two I’ve been blessed with. However, it’s in God’s hands that he has given your friend this fourth miracle child…He never gives us more than we can handle and please tell her to be grateful as difficult as that may be to hear. I have a very sweet coworker who has been struggling with infertility for three years with her husband and she just had her first failed IVF treatment. She’s on round two…insurance only pays for three. I’m continuing to pray for them and be hopeful. I’m sure your friend will see the joy in it all once she sees that beautiful tiny face…they truly are so precious and a true gift. Have a glorious weekend Kristen and thanks for another terrific perspective on life!

  3. La says:

    I felt that way with 3 AND 4. It was a mystery to us how either one was conceived (my husband jokingly requested a paternity test!) and as you said, it was not on my schedule at all. Either time. But God does work these things out and to imagine our family without 3 and 4 is unthinkable. With number 4 I was near 9 months before I was really okay though. It was very, very difficult. I had many people praying for us though.

    God doesn’t just know what we can handle, He knows what we need and what’s best for us. We have to learn to trust Him. It’s all we can do.

  4. Ella is beautiful. ❤

    That’s how I felt about baby #2 (now 2.5). My oldest daughter seemed like she came for other people, if that makes sense. Other people needed her (my Mom, my MIL). But baby #2 was just for me. She came only to make me happy.

  5. Erika says:

    Oh Kristen…now you’ve done it. I am beside myself with the fear that I’m missing out on something by not having a fourth child! What to do? What to do? LOL! You are the most fantastic writer, when is that book coming out???

  6. Heather says:

    Kristen, I really hope that our dear friend reads this. I definately do not want a 3rd, however, after reading your thoughts and feelings, I could almost be convinced to do it!!! 😉 Like Erika said, when is that book coming out?

    It’s been a long time, friend!! Take care!

  7. Kristen,
    beautifully put. You are so good at articulating your emotions and I’m sure your friend’s worries are being put to rest slowly but surely!

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