The Talk

Yes, I mean that talk. 

There I was, driving along on my way to baseball practice.  Minding my own business.  When all of a sudden William was overcome with the desire to know how babies are born. 

Let’s just stop right there for a minute. 

Because I’ve always figured that when the time came, I’d be perfectly honest and not nervous and just answer their questions. 

And it’s not so much that I don’t want them to know the answers, but that I don’t want them to be those kids with all that extra “special” knowledge.

C’mon, y’all know the kids I mean.  Yeah, well, apparently, I’m going to be the mother of a couple of those kids.  

Moving right along…

William:  “Hey Mom, do they really cut you open to get the baby out?”

Me:  “Sometimes.”  Please let it stop right there.

William:  “Well, if they don’t cut it out, then how else do they get it out…do you throw it up?”

I got a little chuckle out of that.

We’ve been a little over-burdened with the throw-up lately.

Me:  “No…it…uh…well, um…”  Sweating…and also struggling with how to give him an honest answer without actually giving him an answer.  Because I can just see this coming back to bite me.  

Is there any other way besides the cutting and, you know, the other way? 

I’ve never been very quick with the wit. 

Me again:  “Well, the baby just goes down and out.”  

Down and out?  Did I just say “down and out?”  Yes I did.  I even did a nice little downward hand motion to go along with it. 

That would be my lack of quick-wittedness on display right there for y’all.  Thank you, thank you very much.

Me:  “The baby comes out of the lady’s mm-hm.  Yes, I said the word.  The technical term.

William and Kate, in unison:  “Whaaaaaaaat?  Some snorts and guffaws, and then silence.  Because now it’s starting to sink in, and the visions…oh the visions they must have had in their heads at that moment.

Kate:  “Isn’t it (the baby) too big to fit?”

Me:  “Sometimes, but usually, when a baby is ready to come out, “it” stretches so the baby can fit.” 

Them:  “Oh.”

William:  “Hey mom, is this a long drive?”

Me:  “No.” 

William:  “Is Kate going to throw up in the back seat?”

Side note:  Kate has a nasty little habit of throwing up in the car if the ride lasts longer than 20 or 30 minutes.  Yes sirree, I lead a charmed life here. 

Me:  “No.” 

William:  “Like how many more minutes until we get to baseball?”

Me:  “Three.”

William:  “How many minutes driving does it take for Kate to throw up in the car?”

And just like that the talk was over and we moved on to discuss the throw-up. 

All I can say is thank you Lord, that he didn’t ask me how the baby got in there in the first place.   

But I’m sure that’s coming.

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The Talk

15 thoughts on “The Talk

  1. All righty then. I guess when I hear “down and out” in my house I know where it came from 🙂 LOL you poor thing. You must have been sweating it on that drive. That’s really the only way to have that talk – use the right terms and be truthful. You certainly don’t want William to be the kid that believes babies are “thrown up”.

  2. I always wonder how I’ll react when Amara will need “the talk.” I’m kinda hoping her dad will take care of that one for me. Or her dad will just toss her in the nunery.

  3. Ha ha ha!

    When my parents have all three boys in the car they play the Silent Game, and pay them each a DOLLAR if they are completely quiet until they get home.

    It might be worth it.

    But while I’m laughing I have to say that – on the other hand – it’s a bit worrisome when your almost 13 year old absolutely DOES NOT WANT that kind of information. His dad is handling it.

  4. Oh my goodness! I am laughing so hard. “Down and out.” I’m going to remember that one. Hopefully it will be a long LONNGGGG time before I get those questions, lol!

  5. Oh you poor dear. I’ve been very up-front with my girls from very young ages about the whole birds and bees thing. Easy peasy.

    Lord don’t I pray though that when Jayce gets curious his Daddy is home to field *those* questions.

  6. I love the idea of throwing up the baby! Never heard that one before.

    Uh…as the mom of a boy in puberty, it sounds like it might be time for the ENTIRE

  7. Sorry. Was going to say the entire talk with William. Did you say how old he is? ‘Cause if we don’t give it to them in a factual way they can grasp, in the light that we want them to see it in, the world will step in and feed them a whole load of garbage.

    Good luck with that! BTDT

  8. I keep wondering when one of my kids will start asking all those baby making types of questions, and how I’ll react! A friend of mine just had a baby and her 5 year old was in the birthing room,.. watching the baby’s head come out. I guess he doesn’t need to ask… although he might have a few *other* questions instead!

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