Several years ago, I sat with him and together we worked on a preschool project. We were constructing a “family pennant.” It was to be a display of his family. We carefully went through old photos, and we cut out the members of our family and he glued them on his pennant. When he said he was finished, I told him that “someone was missing.” I figured he just forgot. But he said, “I know, but there isn’t enough room for you, Mommy.” Even the dogs–one of whom was deceased–made an appearance on the pennant. In his eyes, I was the most disposable member of the family. I simply said, “okay” and slipped into the laundry room where I silently fell apart. I’ll never forget those words…there’s not enough room for you Mommy…
This morning, he handed his dad a Valentine’s Day card. One that he made at school yesterday. And he said “I forgot to put Mommy’s name on it.” And inside the card I could see where he erased what he had originally written, and wrote in my name, too. His card was meant for Daddy. He wrote inside “You are the best Dad in the [whole] wide world.” I’m sure his teacher, or one of the “good moms” at the school noticed he had forgotten to add my name and had him correct it.
And again I sat this morning, silently shattered by this Valentine’s Day card that forgot me. And I wondered why I haven’t yet earned his love.
I have made my entire life about him and his brother and his sisters. I have given up every little part of the person I used to be, and I am now their mommy. I wanted that with all my heart. I have everything I ever wanted, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like I thought it would.
Sometimes, it is hard.
Sometimes, it hurts. Sometimes, the weight of my heart is such that I find it difficult to breathe.
Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep because the day was so damned hard.
Sometimes, I am not the mother I dreamed I would be.
Sometimes, I am tired. Sometimes, exhausted.
Sometimes, I feel heartbroken.
Sometimes, I feel like I am failing in everything I do.
Sometimes, I fear that there will never, ever be enough room for me.